Short Funny Jokes » Short Clean Jokes

Bar Joke

admin — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 01:51:23 +0000

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodka.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yes, my wife…”

Worst Day

admin — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 16:47:35 +0000

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making guy steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“Today is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out of the cab, I forgot my wallet, cash and credit cards in the there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Kidnapping

admin — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 23:05:51 +0000

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.”

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.

The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

Busy Bus Stop

admin — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 18:24:42 +0000

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

After that, much to her embarrassment she still could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went furious and turned to the man and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The guy smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends.”

Grown Ups Words

admin — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 05:20:46 +0000

The kindergarten kids were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to use more grown up words and sentences when they speak since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his “Nana”.

The teacher said, “No, No, you went to see your grandmother.” Use the grown up word.

The next little one said she went for a trip on a “cha-cha. ”

The teacher again said, “No, No, you went on a trip on a train.” That’s the grown up word.

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied
“Winnie the Shit.”

Who to Marry

admin — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 02:30:25 +0000

There was a man who was seeing girlfriends, but did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $2000 and see how each of them spent it.The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, and tells the man, “I spent the money to look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new cell phone, a ipod, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.” The third one takes the $2000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $2000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”The man thought long and hard about how the women spent the money.Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

The Experiment

admin — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 21:00:50 +0000

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…

“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

Assassin Test

admin — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:55:17 +0000

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists… Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

New Face

admin — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:48:25 +0000

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Maths Test

admin — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:57:01 +0000

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father.

“The teacher asked: ‘How much is 2 x 3?’” says Little Johnny, “And I said ‘6′.”

“But that’s right!”

“Then she asked me: ‘How much is 3 x 2?’”

“What’s the f**king difference?” asks the father.

“That’s what I said…”

Short Funny Jokes » Short Clean Jokes

Bar Joke

Other Jokes Stories:

Worst Day

Other Jokes Stories:

Kidnapping

Other Jokes Stories:

Busy Bus Stop

Other Jokes Stories:

Grown Ups Words

Other Jokes Stories:

Who to Marry

Other Jokes Stories:

The Experiment

Other Jokes Stories:

Assassin Test

Other Jokes Stories:

New Face

Other Jokes Stories:

Maths Test

Other Jokes Stories: