The Little Girl And A Bird
A guy was sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?”
“Nothing. Just a stupid bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. Continue reading…
Lettuce And Tomato In Bed
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school, unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk. Continue reading…
The Chinese Waiter and Waitress
There are a Chinese man and a Chinese woman working at a restaurant, fall in love and get married.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, “My darling, I know you are very nervous and very frighten. I promise you, I will give you anything you want, I do anyting you want … What you want?”
“I want 69 ” she replies.
He looks at her very puzzled and says, “You want … Sweet & Sour Pork?”
Maths Test
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father.
“The teacher asked: ‘How much is 2 x 3?’” says Little Johnny, “And I said ‘6′.”
“But that’s right!”
“Then she asked me: ‘How much is 3 x 2?’”
“What’s the f**king difference?” asks the father.
“That’s what I said…”
Me Too
A story from the Japanese Embassy in US:
Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton. The adviser told Mori ” Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 2 sentences in English. First ,’how are you’. Then Mr Clinton should say “I am fine, and you ?” Now you should say ‘me too’.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you. It looks quit simple, but the truth is ….
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said “Who Are You?”. Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor :
“Well, I am Hilary’s husband, ha ha…”
Then Mori replied confidently “Me too, ha ha ha..”
Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.
Elizabeth
There was a married couple sleeping and a psycho killer entered into their house. The killer put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, “I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?”
”
My name is Elizabeth,” the woman replied.
The killer said, “You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can’t kill you.”
The killer then turned to the husband and asked, “What is your name?”
“My name’s Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth, too.”
Old George
The 70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”
George replied, “God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I’m done.”
“Wow,” commented Dr. Smith, “That’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife. “Thelma,” he said, “George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?”
George’s wife exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Nudist Camp
A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn’t believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half. A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidentally sent the bottom half.
Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn’t think much of it. A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn’t like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.
The Construction Workers
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor smiles and nods his head. And then, he pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f**k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”. The other guy says,
“I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I’m coming!”
Tidy Up Funny Video
Sometimes, we need to tidy up our room for our date, here is the reason why. Watch this video….