This Is Why I Quit Smoking
A lot of people quit smoking for different reasons. Look at this video and find out why this guy quit smoking..
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Get in Shape
Watch this hilarious video…
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Lawyer’s Offer
In the middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It’s impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however.
They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they’ll be there in 20 minutes.
It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink?” the doctor says.
“AFTER the police get here” replies the lawyer.
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Lawyer’s Offer
In the middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It’s impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however.
They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they’ll be there in 20 minutes.
It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink?” the doctor says.
“AFTER the police get here” replies the lawyer.
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Letters To Jesus
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.
She said, “Well Johnny, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead.” After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Little Johnny
Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).
So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly,
Little Johnny
Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn’t totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus,
I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?
Signed,
Little Johnny
Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.
He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.
Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small “Virgin Mary” one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
Jesus,
I’ve broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister’s Barbie doll and lots more. I’m desperate. I’ve got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
Signed,
You know who
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The Son and the School
Peter is coming home from school and says to his mother: “Mom I’m not gong to school anymore and I have two reasons for that,
1. All the boys at school make fun of me.
2. All the girls at school make fun of me.”
His mother says: “Peter I’m gonna give you two reasons why you should go to school,
1. You’re 42 years old.
2. You’re the headmaster.”
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A Kiss for a Yard
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
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Art Gallery
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, “What are you waiting for?”
The husband replies, “Strong Wind”.
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Execution
Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.
The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests.
She said no, and the executioner shouted: “… Ready … Aim … !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, “EARTHQUAKE!”.
Everyone was shocked and looked around. She escaped.
So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: “… Ready … Aim …!! and suddenly the redhead yelled “TORNADO!”
Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.
By now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: “… Ready … Aim … !! and the blonde yelled, “FIRE!”
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Hide the Duke
A boy was meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog named Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy’s chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
“Duke!” the dad yelled.
“This is great!” the boy thought. “He thinks the dog is farting!” So he let out another one.
“Duke!” the father barked. The boy thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
“Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!”
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